The Closet Incident: PPD Awareness

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When I began to piece together arrangements for bringing my baby home in 2015, I worked to fill every gap I could possibly imagine. I planned to have my mother here to help with daily chores. I arranged meals to come in from the church. I organized dog walkers to help with Baylor. I wrote a list on my fridge of daily and weekly to-do’s. I washed, folded and organized all the baby clothes in advance and tucked them neatly into drawers. I put together “welcome” stockings for houseguests filled with lotions and other treats to sustain them while at our home. I carefully planned for every possible need that would arise.

I did not, however, plan my suicide.

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I’m Unfit for Motherhood

It’s been one year. A year that I will never forget. A year that is leaving deep imprints on my soul.


Moving into motherhood, I knew I had nothing figured out. I knew I was clueless and that it was going to be hard and that I was going to need friends and family to come alongside us on the journey. I remember questioning the basics: Do I really know how to change a diaper? Am I supposed to burp her if she falls asleep or just let her be? Do I heat the bottle up in the microwave or on the stovetop or under water? Does any of this matter?

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Showering with a Screwdriver

The laundry towers, dishes pile up, trash multiplies, toys scatter. The dog needs feeding, bed needs making, the baby needs attention…

I mustn’t waste this day away on chores.

Today there are laughs to be had, beauty to see, tastes to savor, words to be read, written and exchanged. Love to be shared, sidewalks to stroll, ducks to feed, and swings to play on. Coffee to be enjoyed, smiles to pass along, messes to make, and places to tidy up.

She will not remember the clean home. I will not wish for another moment to wash dishes or fold laundry as I reach the end of my earthly journey. I will wish for more moments to allow Love to come in, take charge, and trickle powerfully out.

And so I began packing up in preparation for our upcoming walk to the park. And then I saw them.

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Sanity and Soul-Care

“When the well’s dry, we know the worth of water.”  ~ Benjamin Franklin

My sanity is still messy, but it’s a restful sort of messy.

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I will never forget the lessons I learned from my mom as I watched her go about life when I was a young girl. She is the most selfless, strong, servant-hearted women I know. Growing up, she integrated teachings from Scripture in sweet and tangible ways.

One of the most priceless lessons my mother taught me was the value of soul-care and self awareness. Through example, she taught me to begin with self-awareness, and then to implement healthy boundaries. She taught me that soul-care paired with selflessness is key to living a full life.

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Naked and Napless

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:12-13

Babies are fun! They are hard. But they can be fun.

It’s been one of those mommy-ing days when you just throw the lofty goals like meal times and naps out of the window, and you charter new territory in hopes of at least making a memory out of the mix.

I’ve had several of those days lately

Just the other day, following a sleepless night, a runaway dog expedition, and a 45 minute bumper to bumper car ride serenaded by a screaming baby, I wandered around the wine store with my baby on my hip and realized upon getting to the register that my breast was out of my shirt.

Embarrassing. Exhausting. Laughable.

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Embracing Wonderment

Embracing Wonderment

“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork.”  Psalm 19:1

Wrestling with a baby 30,ooo feet off the ground is an art that I have become too familiar with over the last 9 months. Summer has now flown 14 times. She wiggles, yells, laughs, cries, flails, punches, pokes, prods, flirts and violently nurses. Sometimes all at once. When I say she is a high-energy, strong-willed kid, I’m not exaggerating. Our trip home in June featured me sobbing with her in front of the entire crew and passengers for a full hour. It was awesome.


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