So much attention and planning goes into preparing for a baby. And rightfully so, having a child is one of the most life-changing experiences that occurs. Who knew a 6 and 1/2 lb human could require so much stuff?
Author: aprincessinprocess
Peace in a Colicky storm: My Story
It all seemed so daunting and unfair. After several hours of labor my daughter was thrust onto my chest. I was exhausted. Her scream pierced the air. Of course, I was happy to hear her and see her. I was also beyond tired.
My body needed to recover – I desperately needed rest – and she continued to cry. For 7 months.
All newborns are hard. Let’s face it – hormones play a mean game. The fresh babies look so cute and cuddly!! Then we bring them home.
Yikes.
I have yet to meet a parent of a newborn that is glowing with pure excitement and happiness. For most parents, the first few weeks are far from dreamy. In fact, they can be downright miserable at times.
I’ve read so many articles recently by brave women who are being honest about how traumatizing these early days of motherhood can be. Admitting to the phases of regret and depression that wash over them in these initial days. Regardless of the amount of support offered from family and community members.
I’m so glad to see I’m not the only one who has struggled with those horrifying thoughts and feelings. My experience with my newborn daughter proved to settle us farther into a pit of despair than I knew possible.
My intent in sharing my story is to not stir fear in the hearts of those who are expecting babies. Children are a blessing from God! It is not His desire for us to sit in misery or fear as we await our little treasure to arrive.
So many people have not shared my experience, and that is noteworthy. I remember being so nervous to bring my baby home that any words outside of encouragement and affirmation were not only overwhelming, but downright annoying.
I want to express that motherhood has become joyful!! If you find yourself struggling with fear of what is to come, I’d challenge you to express your desire for encouragement and positivity to those around you!
I want to be transparent about my process…and I want to be clear that everyone’s story is different, and share tips that might help you enjoy the early days more than I did.
My story = She cried always.
And not just fussed.
I have been around my share of babies in my short life – I have always loved babies!! Many of my friends now have babies. I had some sort of gauge on what to expect in terms of behavior.
I expected her to cry 5-6 hours within a 24 hour period. I expected her to be loud and inconsolable at times and for my heart and head to hurt. I expected my life to be a series of naps for several months. I did not expect what I received…
She cried for 90% of her waking hours.
She would turn purple and tense up and shake as she became angry. I will never forget the first 6 nights she was with us (including in the hospital) – she screamed from midnight until 5AM straight.
She was evaluated by a pediatrician and people at the hospital and she was determined to be healthy. She was gaining weight, was not vomiting, her gut appeared healthy, diapers normal, temperature okay, passed all the tests, etc.
I still remember the pediatrician calling us from home to ensure we were okay – she had never seen a baby cry like this before. She said we had just “drawn the unlucky card.”
The other specialist we saw said our baby was “powerful” and that she “had never seen a child go from 0-60 so fast.”
Powerful.
Hah, a clever word to use. She was indeed a powerful baby. She took beautiful pictures because she was, and is, the most expressive person I have ever met! It just made it difficult for those furthest away from us to truly conceptualize how difficult her colicky nature was.
I remember holding her as my family left and husband returned to work. I lived in that glider in the corner of her nursery.
She screamed and screamed and I held her thrashing little body and cried with her. I remember the first time she walked up my stomach banging her fists against my chest and screaming with giant tears rolling down her face at just 8 weeks old. I was disillusioned and angry.
Why would God allow this? I loved babies! Why would he allow us to experience such disappointment?
I truly felt I was grieving a loss. A loss of enjoying my baby. A loss of my mommyhood dream.
4 Months into motherhood and she was still screaming 70-80% of her waking hours. We tried medication, various sleep experts, I read all the books, tried all the oils, did all the schedule changes, took everything out of my diet…all to no avail.
My disappointment and grief turned darker and PPD became my new reality.
As women, our bodies are created to soothe our babies, and we actually release a hormone as our baby is soothed by us (whether it’s breast or bottle feeding, rocking, singing, etc.) When we repeatedly experience rejection at the attempt of comfort, our bodies no longer release this hormone and we experience a disruption in the natural biological process of bonding and the “baby high” many new moms experience.
I hardly had glimpses of those highs or happy moments, especially after 4 long months of attempting to try and calm her without success.
I felt like a failure. I tried everything and moved into the place of accepting that my baby simply hated life most of the time.
I was sick of hearing that “it gets better” – and that my “baby seemed so happy.” It was the worst to hear people say, “she’s just a typical baby” in response to my description of her crying. Or worse, that I was “just tired.”
I was more than tired. I was exhausted from all the zillion rules issued by AAP and every other expert known to man. I was overwhelmed from sleep deprivation and the opposing advice I received from friends, family, and online resources. I was averaging 2-4 broken hours of sleep a night. My husband was working 10-12 hour days. My baby nursed and screamed all of the time, and rarely took a nap for more than 20-30 minutes, eliminating my ability to leave the house or sleep.
And when I did leave, I felt numb, tired, and miserable. Motherhood was isolating and awful, and the colicky storm felt too much to handle.
I felt ridden with shame for hating motherhood.
I rocked in that glider in the corner of that nursery for 6 months and met with the Lord. In that glider I contemplated the unspeakable – Adoption. Suicide. Running away…
My spirit groaned because I had no words. I clung to a small book of encouraging notes friends and family had given me at a shower. I read and re-read that book as I met with God and rocked and rocked and rocked.
Of course I asked Him to change our situation, but more than anything I begged Him to change my heart.
It was in the darkness of that corner – in that big, comfy rocking chair – that God taught me how to engage peace in this colicky storm.
Now, 8 months later, I sit with a new perspective. One that He continues to build on every day. I still struggle, but now I have given myself to the process of becoming a mom – recognizing that becoming a mom doesn’t happen in the 9-month span of pregnancy and hours of labor.
It is a process that involves those dark moments in the corner. It involves crying with your baby – but also laughing at the crazy things.
Mothering through colic engages more places of your heart than you know exist while in the midst of these turbulent waters.
Becoming a mom in a colicky storm is the hardest thing I have ever done. But, let’s be honest, becoming a mom period is impossible. Literally impossible. Apart from the grace of God, we will simply stumble season-to-season opposing the various challenges that await while googling and worrying far too much. And, in the process, we will miss the gift of parenthood.
In another post, I will present some specific tricks I discovered to surviving the early days of (colicky) parenthood.
Boundaries
We have heard the word. Perhaps, we have even engaged in setting some relational boundaries. But many of us are not entirely sure what is appropriate when it comes to setting boundaries with other people. Or what boundaries actually are…
Triangles Don’t Roll
Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, is powerful. It is the primary tool used to build and sustain relationships. The Scriptures indicate how powerful communication can be and how deeply we are impacted by healthy and unhealthy uses of it in James 3.
The way in which we grow and learn to relate to others is directly impacted by our environment and the way we experienced communication throughout our development.
How were we viewed? Were we allowed to have our own opinions? Were we the centerfold of real or perceived problems, or an invisible force in the midst of the inevitable chaos called life?
Sometimes the chaos is beautiful – sometimes it is painful. But it is in this process – from moment to moment – that our ways of learning to communicate are developed.
Rarely, as adults, do we slow down to consider how our development impacts our way of being and relating to other people. Nonetheless, despite how we learned to relate to people, embedded in the soul of men and women is the desire to be in harmony with one another and our surroundings. And, for many of us, we need to do some unlearning in order to discover the harmony for which our souls long.
The topic I hope to address here is what therapists call triangulation.
Triangulation is a fancy way to say “involving a third wheel unnecessarily in an effort to avoid discomfort.” It is an unhealthy form of stress management – and one that so many people engage in unknowingly. Simply because that is how he or she has learned to maintain peace.
Triangulation occurs when a third party is brought into a tense situation to reduce anxiety and stabilize a dyad relationship.
A classic example of triangulation can be observed in a middle school cafeteria. Sally and Dustin are boyfriend and girlfriend but Sally is mad at Dustin so she sends her friend Caroline to talk to him about his offense.
Another example could be a two-parent household where alcoholism is present among a parent. If the sober parent begins to discuss the issue with one of their children, the child will inevitably take at least one of two actions. He or she will either step into the role of the parent who is entangled in alcoholism, or the child will confront the alcoholic parent about the behavior based on their conversation with the sober parent. This type of communication style often leads to enmeshment and co-dependency, particularly when the elected third party is a child.
God created us for better connections.
His desire is to diffuse existing anxiety and stabilize our relationships by helping us connect our hearts directly with other individuals.
Involving third wheels leaves a great deal of destruction and ultimately hurts more than helps. Let’s pause to consider places in our lives where we have invited irrelevant people into our problems and prepare ourselves to act differently moving forward.
Let’s not stir up additional strife. We are called to be peace makers.
5 Ways to Avoid Triangulation
1. If they aren’t part of the problem, they aren’t part of the solution. There is no reason to involve someone in a disagreement or problem if he or she has not contributed to it in some way. The only exception would be if someone is at risk of hurting themselves or someone else.
2. Define the true problem and Pray about it. Ask God to help you identify who needs to be addressed and how to address that individual.
3. Talk as little as possible. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Do not gossip in the name of processing. If you need to discuss the issue and get wisdom, choose one person who is far from the problem and who knows God intimately and invite them to provide advice. But do not expect them to become involved personally in the matter.
4.Consider the alternative. What is the problem? And what would your ideal solution look like? Who is involved in both the problem and the solution? (It is important to begin with individuals involved in the problem before you involve people who could be involved in the solution).
5. If you are experiencing an adult problem, speak to an adult. Do not involve your children. It is not only unfair, but can be incredibly confusing to them.
Consider the following scriptures…
“Here are six things God hates, and one more that he loathes with a passion: eyes that are arrogant, a tongue that lies, hands that murder the innocent, a heart that hatches evil plots, feet that race down a wicked track, a mouth that lies under oath, and a trouble maker in the family” Proverbs 6:16-23 (MSG)
“For whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” 1 Peter 3:10-12
“And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you.” 1 Thessalonians 4:11
Deeper Freedom, Still…
My Journey through Pregnancy and Birth: Why I Chose a Natural Birth
The Ordinary Changes The World
Writing throughout my journey of deliverance from my eating disorder and negative physical perception is incredibly sanctifying. I know one day I’ll look back with a posture of gratitude, seeing the intricate ways God met me and delivered me from layers of oppression and torment. This is a continual journey, though. From glory to glory, moment to moment, we are transformed.
Worship
What is worship? We are all worshipers. We were created to worship, thus we cannot help but do so. Worship is directing our attention, our adoration, and our energy toward something. Some of us worship our bodies, some of us worship our partners, some of us worship sports, food, music, ourselves, the list could go on and on.
Hopeful and Broken
It was one of those mornings. The sun’s warm rays gently touched my face in the early hours, waking me up. I squirmed beneath the sheets and was, once again, incredibly aware of my thighs. The rolls of fat on my stomach. My round face.
Confrontation
Your heart is beating in your toes and hands start to perspire. You feel as red as a stoplight and as nervous as a skydiver. In fact, many people would prefer skydiving.
Relationships
Relationships are the greatest gifts we will ever receive. If all materials were stripped away and we were left with nothing. No home. No food. No clothes. No car. Nothing. We would still have relationships. Relationships are fostered between people. Connections that cannot be denied or ignored. We were created for relationships. We were intended to actively engage with other people we cross paths with. Even if you engage in a pattern of negative communication with another human being, you are in a relationship with that person. It might not be a good relationship, but you are in one. We are all connected. Continue reading “Relationships”
Living Uncovered 