Pulled to the Front: My PPD Journey

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I backed out of my driveway onto the rainy road to make my way to Loveland, Colorado. This was my first alone, overnight trip away from both Ryan and Summer. I was excited and nervous.

As I prepare for this upcoming birth, I began to realize that I wanted a babymoon getaway for just me and Samuel (the baby boy in my belly). Up until this point, I did not realize that was the true craving of my soul, but it was.

I wanted a space to be with Samuel, alone. To bond. To ponder. To pray. To consider all the places I’ve been and the places I may go.

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Sledding in Summer


I buckled my joyful little toddler into her seat after our trip to see Ryan at Starbucks. Now that we live further from his store, these visits are quite a treat for both of us.

Lately, a typical morning begins with me sipping coffee while listening to her chant “Bye-bye to dada” next to the front door in her pajamas.

About twice a week I cave. Extra caffeine, a breakfast sandwich made by someone else, and a kiss from the Ryan Hudson is hard to resist.

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When Healing Looks Different

 

As Ryan and I began planning our recent vacation, I dreamt of what was to come. We both felt the Lord speak that this was a “healing vacation” for us. We felt He highlighted two Scriptures for this season of healing, as well as for our vacation:

“Your sun shall no more go down nor your moon withdraw itself for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended,” Isaiah 60:20.

We also felt the Lord highlighting Isaiah 61:3 “…to grant to those who mourn in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.”

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The Closet Incident: PPD Awareness

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When I began to piece together arrangements for bringing my baby home in 2015, I worked to fill every gap I could possibly imagine. I planned to have my mother here to help with daily chores. I arranged meals to come in from the church. I organized dog walkers to help with Baylor. I wrote a list on my fridge of daily and weekly to-do’s. I washed, folded and organized all the baby clothes in advance and tucked them neatly into drawers. I put together “welcome” stockings for houseguests filled with lotions and other treats to sustain them while at our home. I carefully planned for every possible need that would arise.

I did not, however, plan my suicide.

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Understanding The Millennial Mom

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When I first discovered I was pregnant, I did what any resourceful Millennial would do, I consulted the World Wide Web. “How far along am I?” I asked Google. “How big is my baby?” “When am I due?” “When do I call the doctor?” “How should I tell my husband?”

What I found online was unexpected.

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Fishy Chicken: The Art of Being in Relationships

1 John 4:19 “We love because He first loved us”  

Laying on the floor surrounded by broken glass, spilled milk, water, oats, and disappointment, I just allowed the tear to dance down my cheek. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I could not apologize anymore for the failure of the day. I had to just press my cheek against the cold ground and let go. And it felt good.

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Parenting in the Wake of an Eating Disorder

 

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“Carbs and sugar. All she wants are carbs and sugar,” I huffed at Ryan as we attempted to cram peas and chicken into Summer’s mouth. I wanted her to want meat and vegetables, yet she would grasp for tortillas and cookies and pieces of bread. All trigger foods for me.

As I felt these words falling from my lips, I realized I was responding to Summer out of my broken past. I was not viewing her desire as an attempt to taste and explore solids, but rather as a desire to binge – a concept foreign to a 9 month old.

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10 Hacks for Life with a Newborn

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare” -Ed Asner

One of my dearest friends is going to have a baby within the next two weeks. My insides are about to implode with excitement for them!

We are going to have a little boy in our midst and I know my Summershine and her fur-brother are going to be so excited when they find out – there’s nothing like shepherding little world-changers alongside your besties.

In honor of my sweet friend, Kailey, I’m sharing 10 hacks I discovered for life with a newborn:

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I’m Unfit for Motherhood

It’s been one year. A year that I will never forget. A year that is leaving deep imprints on my soul.


Moving into motherhood, I knew I had nothing figured out. I knew I was clueless and that it was going to be hard and that I was going to need friends and family to come alongside us on the journey. I remember questioning the basics: Do I really know how to change a diaper? Am I supposed to burp her if she falls asleep or just let her be? Do I heat the bottle up in the microwave or on the stovetop or under water? Does any of this matter?

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She Will Water the Pumpkin – A Lesson on Expectations & Anger

“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end” Proverbs 29:11

The new morning routine now includes me carrying a bath towel downstairs to the living room. I’m learning that quality towels, puffs, and Ziplock baggies are all powerful tools in the game of parenting.

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