Pulled to the Front: My PPD Journey

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I backed out of my driveway onto the rainy road to make my way to Loveland, Colorado. This was my first alone, overnight trip away from both Ryan and Summer. I was excited and nervous.

As I prepare for this upcoming birth, I began to realize that I wanted a babymoon getaway for just me and Samuel (the baby boy in my belly). Up until this point, I did not realize that was the true craving of my soul, but it was.

I wanted a space to be with Samuel, alone. To bond. To ponder. To pray. To consider all the places I’ve been and the places I may go.

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Sledding in Summer


I buckled my joyful little toddler into her seat after our trip to see Ryan at Starbucks. Now that we live further from his store, these visits are quite a treat for both of us.

Lately, a typical morning begins with me sipping coffee while listening to her chant “Bye-bye to dada” next to the front door in her pajamas.

About twice a week I cave. Extra caffeine, a breakfast sandwich made by someone else, and a kiss from the Ryan Hudson is hard to resist.

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Handprints of Anticipation


If you visited my home right now you would notice how desperately my windows need cleaning. Particularly the window of my front storm door and sliding door to our backyard.

But, I won’t clean them.

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The Day I Forgot to Wear Pants

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I fought around the boxes and the misplaced decorations with the toddler on my hip. The blank walls and empty kitchen cupboards were beginning to taunt me.

Somewhere between the positive pregnancy test, selling our home, and purchasing a new home, life’s requirements began steering our hearts and our schedules.

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When Healing Looks Different

 

As Ryan and I began planning our recent vacation, I dreamt of what was to come. We both felt the Lord speak that this was a “healing vacation” for us. We felt He highlighted two Scriptures for this season of healing, as well as for our vacation:

“Your sun shall no more go down nor your moon withdraw itself for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of mourning shall be ended,” Isaiah 60:20.

We also felt the Lord highlighting Isaiah 61:3 “…to grant to those who mourn in Zion, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.”

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The Closet Incident: PPD Awareness

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When I began to piece together arrangements for bringing my baby home in 2015, I worked to fill every gap I could possibly imagine. I planned to have my mother here to help with daily chores. I arranged meals to come in from the church. I organized dog walkers to help with Baylor. I wrote a list on my fridge of daily and weekly to-do’s. I washed, folded and organized all the baby clothes in advance and tucked them neatly into drawers. I put together “welcome” stockings for houseguests filled with lotions and other treats to sustain them while at our home. I carefully planned for every possible need that would arise.

I did not, however, plan my suicide.

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Holding to Empty Spaces


I plundered ahead in my chores. We were digging out from under mounds of dirty laundry, undone dishes, and still carrying an intense craving for sleep. Summer had been diagnosed with the flu the week before. We saw temperatures rise to 106, and had poured hours of time into seeking remedies online, and consulting doctors and nurses. We are so grateful we are all now healthy.

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Online Mama ~ English Dictionary

I recall the tears clouding my vision at 2AM as I rocked my inconsolable 3 week old. I was sleep deprived, still recovering from birth, and felt like a mommy failure. I consulted Google and Facebook pages to try and find answers. As if my tired brain could handle one more obstacle, I found the online community of moms using a language I had never seen. I needed a translator. Or, at the very least, one place to de-code this new language. After months of using the internet for guidance in my mothering journey, I do believe I may be nearly fluent, or at least conversational in this online mama language ;).

I hope this tool helps a new mama interpret her findings. I plan to continually update this dictionary.

Online Acronym ~ English

AAP – American Academy of Pediatrics

BM – Breast Milk

BF – Breast Feeding

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Understanding The Millennial Mom

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When I first discovered I was pregnant, I did what any resourceful Millennial would do, I consulted the World Wide Web. “How far along am I?” I asked Google. “How big is my baby?” “When am I due?” “When do I call the doctor?” “How should I tell my husband?”

What I found online was unexpected.

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Friends who Leave Rocks

Summer’s high-pitched crying stole my ability to think. I grabbed my stress ball, plunked down in the rocking chair, and continued to rock my inconsolable baby while allowing every ounce of frustrated energy to pour through my hand and onto that stress ball.

I was beyond depressed. I was angry with the Lord. I felt like He had dealt me the worst hand. No matter what I tried, nothing seemed to work to calm my baby.

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